This is all hitting me so hard. The end of everything. Yeah, it’s just my sophomore year, but still. I just need to write for a while. I feel like my life is spinning out of control. Not so much “out of control” I guess, but I’m struggling. I feel like I’m always putting on a mask, like nobody can see the real me. Almost like I’m not allowed to be sad. Keep a face all the time, that’s me. I try so hard, but it builds up. Someday I’m just going to explode. Somehow, and I really don’t know how, I ran into Marissa Week’s blog. It’s not like I know her or anything. I mean her picture’s on the wall at school so everybody does, but you know what I mean. Anyway I was reading through it and it just hit me. Everybody goes through this. Crazy yes? You always tend to think that people above you lead amazing lives. They have tight friends, they have tons of friends. They throw great parties, they’re confident. I should know it’s not always so, but it’s just a natural process of thinking. I’m trying so hard to be happy, and I don’t know why I’m not. I have great friends, a supportive family, what’s not to be happy about? Where does happiness come from? I should know this. I mean, I go to church every week, I’m enrolled in seminary. It’s just frustrating. I try to talk to my parents and they just don’t understand why I’m having such a hard time. It’s not all the time, but when it hits it hurts. Bad. I was pretty fine all day, until I came home to an empty house. I think I just need to breath a bit. This school year has been tough, but somewhere along the path I realized I am too. My biggest problem is that I can’t see my future. I mean, nobody can, but how am I supposed to make choices? You know what I want? I want to go to Northwestern University on a Scholarship and get into their Medill program. Or maybe I don’t. I just don’t know! Most of all (of course) I want to be a wife and a mommy. How does this merge with Northwestern? There’s my problem. Chances are I’m not going to meet some nice, LDS, returned missionary in Chicago, so where are my options? I’m just confused. I need a good long prayer session, but it’s so hard for me. Why do I resist so much?
On a positive note, I’m way excited for journalism next year. I’m going up to sell hot dogs on Saturday, hoping maybe I’ll get to know the staff better before I jump into it. I think I will join swim team next year. Nothing for sure yet, but I’m feeling good about it. How am I supposed to handle swim, journalism, a new instrument, and two AP classes? Not sure. We’ll see.