Me just one big drooling very hairy dog

Me just one big drooling very hairy dog

EDITOR’S NOTE: Ann Cannon is on vacation this week. She asked Zora, her Newfoundland dog to fill in. Zora has taken a page from Roumieu’s funny but frankly crass book of Bigfoot cartoons. (Not that Zora is crass. Except for the drooling part.) YES! Me know! You all way interested in huge brown Newfoundland puppy Ann Cannon and family buy last year. Thanks for asking. Here is current Curriculum Vitae to update you.
Name: Me called Zora. One dude at dog park recently call me “Sasquatch,” though. Silly, mixed-up dude. Everybody know Sasquatch is Big Fat Faker.
Date of Birth: January, 2007
Place of Birth: Los Angeles. Home of movie stars. Also home of me when puppy.
Citizenship: USA
Visa status: Me no have one. Me no have Discover Card, either.
Gender: Girl. Big one. Me weigh 160 freakin’ pounds at vet’s office last week. Holy cow!! Me almost as big as big freakin’ girl horse! People all the time say me look like big freakin’ girl horse. What they thinking? That me can’t hear them talking smack? You know how is. People just NOT sensitive sometimes.
Employment history: Ancestors mine jump into icy Atlantic waters. Pull fishing nets ashore all day long. Also pull drowning Canadian fishermen ashore all day long. Me say, “Forget that!” Me currently looking into other line of work.
Education history: Graduate of PetsMart Obedience School. Me much smarter than shi tzu. Also Jack Russell terrier. Jack Russell terrier all noisy and hyper and not smart as me. Me not smart as border collie, though. Have you noticed no one have bumper sticker on car which say “My Newfoundland is smarter than your Honor Student”? Border collie way cocky. Same with owner of border collie. Me no like them.
Resarch and training: Not into research so much. Is soooo boring to do research. Especially if teacher make you do footnotes. Also annotated bibliography. Me OK with training part, though. Will “sit” and “lie down” on command. Sometimes “roll over,” too! Especially if big freakin’ treat involved! Awards: Hey! Me would win “Hairy Dog” contest. NO PROBLEM. Also would win “Hairy Drooling Dog” contest. ALSO NO PROBLEM.
Professional memberships: Lifelong member of AKC. Is way fancy club for dogs. Even for stupid dogs like shi tzus. Also Jack Russell terriers.
Future goals: Be best Newfoundland dog possible in entire world except for part where me supposed to drag fishing nets and drowning Canadians ashore.
Interests: Me like to search for doughnuts in kitchen. Me just love all kinds! Glazed. Chocolate cake. Maple bar. Bismarck. When it come to doughnuts, me no discriminate. No sir! Me even eat doughnuts with nasty dry coconut sprinkled all over top. People all across America stand up and cheer and say thank you, Zora, for eating doughnuts with nasty dry coconut sprinkled all over top so we won’t have to. Me say NO PROBLEM, FELLOW AMERICANS! Me just happy to help out. Me pretty patriotic that way.
What me will do if selected to be Miss America: Yes. Thank you for asking. Me will represent all of you and this great country and eat doughnuts all day and make world a way peaceful freakin’ place.

For the record, how could I not post this? I LOVE IT! :]

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